That Floating Poo Was Far Too Symbolic! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Past Year.
As we reflect on the television offerings of the recent year, a selection of shows stand out not for their excellence, but for their spectacular failures. From cringe-inducing sequels to confusingly poor documentaries, here are the productions that left us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this divisive spin-off? Burdened with dreadful writing, cringe-inducing arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series struggled to justify its existence. Briefly, as the third series began, it looked like it had finally hit its stride. Then arrived an installment centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the creator announced this would be the last series. It concluded on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was simply too symbolic. Still, viewers certainly found joy picking apart every single “wtf?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – danced around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a small sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was practically the smallest of this show's issues. The subject of a very rare zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to begin listing the flaws. The laughably wooden dialogue? The tedious veneration of wealth and materialism? The almost wilful parade of cliches? Performances so poor they felt almost malicious? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and forget about this show again. Except, a new season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Considering the legal troubles, domestic violence claims and fatherly failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not that you’d truly have gleaned it from this three-part docuseries which chuckled along at Sheen’s various episodes of reckless excess while struggling to tell us a single thing we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this volatile personality was being pandered to, so any sympathy this series might evoke should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer proximity with this charismatic but flippant narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we knew it was ridiculous from the get-go: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of sheer admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. Talk about giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Shady characters convening in deserted boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.
In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to accommodate baffling accents. But there were plenty of other problems. Primarily that it was just really dull; a dispute over drug-selling territory between various London rogues which felt a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the extent to which she grinds the gears of certain ostentatiously enraged commentators, it’s almost easy to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into twee homemaking as intentional provocations. But then you watch them and are forced to admit that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue animated; a poster for wine o’clock with delusions of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark platitudes and forgettable crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by vast, largely undeserved wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly fascinating things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, identity, self-worth. But for some reason, this documentary series chose not to explore them. Instead, the viewing was like reading a sales catalogue. She clearly has good reason to bridle at what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any favours with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star playing dead and a sharp-tongued personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you want? As contestants competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s even now too confusing to detail what precisely was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up reeking of a production that was trying way too hard to live up to something far greater than it.
Too Much
How do you succeed a show that defined a generation? The expectation was enormous for this glitzy romantic comedy about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress took her biggest role by the horns and was a delight to watch, reveling in Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of famous friends involved felt icky.
The Sketch Show Return
Not even good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the smart recruitment of talented emerging comics, expectations were high. But unhappily, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a single joke milked to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the idea that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively showcased the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be treated with care. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lurching from oddly jaunty, slightly stylised farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Perhaps. A complete mess? Absolutely.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We love the star … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so intelligent he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? Nope! This international thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – academics honestly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This uncritical portrait followed the online personality notorious for explicit exploits as she prepared for her biggest feat yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was way more interrogation of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who showed up to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and zero critical analysis of her infamy whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.